Have you ever had a conversation with your partner where, despite your best efforts, you just couldn’t seem to get through to each other? Maybe you’re sharing your feelings, but they seem distracted or defensive. It can feel frustrating, isolating, and, at times, as though you’re speaking entirely different languages.
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. However, the way we communicate during those conflicts can either strengthen or weaken the connection we share with our partners. Many of us believe we’re communicating effectively, but the real issue often lies not in what we’re saying, but in how we’re saying it.
As a couple's therapist, I frequently witness couple’s rushing through difficult conversations, eager to defend themselves or fix the problem. These moments can leave both partner’s feeling unhappy and disconnected.
But here’s the good news—it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to agree on everything to feel truly understood. Sometimes, all it takes is a shift in how we approach communication and that’s where Imago Therapy can be a game-changer.
Imago Therapy offers a simple yet powerful tool, the Imago Dialogue, that helps couples bridge the gap and listen to each other with empathy and respect. It’s a method that allows both partners to feel seen, heard, and validated- even when they don’t share the same perspective.
Both partners take turns being the sender and the receiver, switching roles to ensure that each person has the opportunity to express their feelings and to listen with empathy. This simple tool can transform your relationship by making space for both your voices and your hearts
Step 1: Asking for Availability to Connect
Before beginning any conversation, especially when there’s a disagreement or difference of opinion, it’s essential to check in with your partner: “Are you available to come to my planet?”. The term planet represents the unique emotional space where each person’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, and perspectives reside. It’s the inner world shaped by past experiences, beliefs, fears, and desires.
Just as a planet has its own landscape - its mountains, valleys, and atmosphere—your emotional world is equally complex, influenced by everything you’ve been through and how you interpret the world around you. This phrase invites the other person to check if they are available to listen to your perspective - if they are mentally and emotionally present to hear what you have to say.
If your partner is busy, distracted, or overwhelmed, they may not be able to fully engage, and that can lead to feeling unheard and misunderstood. Asking this question helps set the stage for an open and respectful conversation. If your partner is unavailable, it’s important to acknowledge it and find a mutually convenient time to talk - ideally within 24 hours. This way, the conversation doesn’t get pushed aside, and both partners can show up to the discussion feeling ready to engage.
Step 2: Mirroring
Ever have a conversation where you think you heard your partner, but they say, “That’s not what I meant at all”? It’s frustrating, right? That’s where mirroring comes in. In this step, the sender shares their feelings, while the receiver focuses on reflecting back what they have heard, without adding their own interpretation. Let's look at an example with Jessica as the sender and Brian as the receiver:
Jessica: When you didn’t show up on time for dinner, I felt really disrespected.
Brian (Mirroring): Okay, so if I heard you correctly, you're saying that when I was late for
dinner, you felt disrespected? Did I get that right?
Jessica: Yes, exactly.
Brian: Is there more?
Jessica: Yes. It just really hurt.
Use "I" Statements, Not "You" Statements
Instead of saying, "You don’t care about my feelings," or "You never listen to me," speak from your own experience. Try saying, "When you interrupt me, I feel disrespected and dismissed," or "When you don’t call, I start to get scared and angry." "I" statements are less likely to trigger defensiveness and allow your partner to hear your feelings without feeling attacked. They invite dialogue rather than shutting it down.
It’s also important for the receiver to stay as close as possible to the sender’s words. This reduces the risk of misunderstandings and ensures both partners are truly on the same page before moving forward. Once the receiver mirrors the sender’s words, they can ask, “Is there more?” to give the sender an opportunity to clarify or expand if needed.
Step 3: Validating
Validation is a transformative tool because it helps your partner feel understood. It’s easy to think that validation means you need to agree with everything your partner says. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to agree. You just need to acknowledge that their experience is valid.
Jessica: I felt so hurt when you didn’t show up on time. It makes me feel like I’m not a priority to you.
Brian (Validating): That makes sense, I can see why you’d feel that way. When someone is late, it can definitely make one feel unimportant.
Notice how Brian isn’t saying, “I agree, I was wrong,” but instead saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” That’s validation in action. It’s about showing respect for Jessica’s experience, even if they don’t share the same perspective. If something doesn’t make sense to the receiver, they can ask for clarification: “Help me understand, could you say more about feeling unimportant?” This ensures that both partners are fully understanding each other before moving on.
Step 4: Empathizing
Empathy is the secret sauce to deep connection. The receiver is putting themselves in the sender’s shoes and showing that they’re tuned in to the emotion behind the words.
Brian: I can imagine how hurt and frustrated that must have made you feel. You probably felt like I didn’t care about you, and I can understand why that would sting.
After empathizing, you can ask: “Does it feel like I’m getting you?” This simple question invites the sender to clarify if they feel fully understood. If needed, a feelings wheel can be used to guide the conversation and identify specific emotions. At the end of the conversation, thank your partner for listening and then switch roles, giving them the opportunity to become the sender.
Fostering Deeper Connection
When both partners embrace this process, it shifts the dynamic from one of tension and frustration to one of connection and mutual respect. Rather than viewing conflict as a battle to be won, you start to see it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and foster mutual respect. So next time you face a disagreement, give these steps a try. You may be surprised by how much closer you feel afterward.
Aditi Mehra is a Registered Psychotherapist (Qualifying) with a Master of Science in Couple and Family Therapy, a Master of Arts in Psychology, and certification in Queer Affirmative Counselling Practice. She firmly believes in the transformative power of a safe therapeutic relationship as fundamental to the change process. Aditi integrates inner self-exploration and relationship dynamics to support individuals, couples, and families. Her approach centres on empowering clients to make informed choices by understanding the impact of their past on their present circumstances. Furthermore, she underscores the importance of the here and now to facilitate an experiential therapeutic journey.
*Aditi offers therapy services in English & Hindi