Despite our best efforts, we all struggle to problem solve and empathize when we are becoming emotionally triggered and leaving our window of tolerance (WOT; see previous post for more on this). Attempting to resolve an issue when we have stepped out of our WOT leaves us at best frustrated, and at worst with real harm to our important relationships and those we love.
To address this common dilemma, there is a strategy that we often recommend to couples and families called the “20 minute/24 hour rule”. It is a simple way to respectfully pause a conflict that's escalating without anyone feeling uncared for or letting yourselves off the hook for ever addressing the issue. It is essentially a "timeout" with an agreement to come back to the discussion no sooner than 20 minutes and no longer than 24 hours from that time. The reasoning for these specific durations is rooted in an scientific understanding of how conflict overwhelms our nervous systems and the time that it takes to be able to calm down and reconnect in a meaningful way.
Here is everything you need to know to start using the 20 Minute/24 hour rule in your own relationship:
Make a plan
Start by making a plan with your partner or family member when you're all in a relatively good space (within your WOT).
Come up with a signal to use you notice leaving your WOT that means "things are escalating, we aren't having a productive conversation, we need to take a break". This could be a code word or a hand signal (Tip- making it something humorous can sometimes soften a tense situation).
Identify signs in yourselves and in the communication style that you can look for that might tell you it’s time to use the signal and take a break.
Come to agreement on other details like an arrangement for how you'll take time apart (especially if you live in a small space), how you will let each other know when you're ready to come back to the conversation, what you'll do if one of you is ready and the other isn't, and how you want to approach the conversation when you come back to it.
Putting it into action
Notice when you are becoming dysregulated, leaving your WOT, or when an argument is escalating and becoming unhelpful. You might notice yelling, blaming, defensiveness, shutting down.
Use the signal to call a “timeout”. It's important to stick to the signal and avoid criticism or blame when using this strategy (for example, "you're crazy, we need to take a break").
Take a break and regulate! For at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours. The reason for this timing is that it takes our bodies at least 20 minutes to return to a state of regulation, and if you leave it longer than 24 hours you risk avoiding the issue altogether. (Some simple ways to regulate- doing something physical, listening to music, talking to a friend, doing some busy work, reflecting on what’s coming up for you in the conflict. (Try not to spend this time replaying all of the things you’re mad about - instead try looking at the emotion and what it’s saying about what you need).
Come back to the conversation within the 20 minute-24 hour window, and when you are all ready. You might find it helpful to do some extra learning around effective communication to help you have a more productive conversation when you do come back to it (check out the Gottman Institute blog for lots of resources on this https://www.gottman.com/blog/).
Tips & considerations
If just one person in the conflict wants a break, the signal can still be used, and needs to be respected whenever a "timeout" is called.
If after a period of time one person is ready to come back to the conversation and others are not, the person who isn't ready yet needs to be honoured and given more time (we want to acknowledge that waiting may feel uncomfortable for the person who is ready! Try to do something that feels supportive or enjoyable in that time).
It is really important for trust in the relationship that you keep the commitment to come back to the conversation within 24 hours. If anyone needs more time, that's okay, but you still need to come back together to acknowledge this, and agree on a new time-frame to come back within.
If you come back to the conversation and notice things escalating again, you can start the whole process over, and the timer "resets".
It is also not uncommon that after taking some time to sort through feelings on the issue on one’s own that what felt really important yesterday doesn't feel as significant to discuss anymore. If this happens, don't feel that you need to dive into an in depth conversation for the sake of it, you can let it go and move on, but it IS still important to come back together and acknowledge that this is the case, and it needs to be the case for all of you.
Treat this as an experiment - try it out and see what works and what doesn't, and make adjustments as you go.
Time-outs are not enough
This strategy alone won't resolve the issue, but it can help you get out of frustrating cycles of conflict and prevent damage to the relationship. And the hope is that coming back to the conversation when your nervous systems are more regulated will make it easier to communicate about the issue and get closer to understanding each other or resolving things.
What if my partner/family member is not on board?
If you're reading this and thinking "this sounds great, but I don't think my partner (or family member) would be open to something like this", parts of this strategy could still work for you, just slightly adjusted. You can still decide that what you need for yourself when you notice going out of your WOT during an argument is to take a break. And you can still hold yourself to the commitment to come back to it within 20 minutes - 24 hours. You'll want to give them a heads up that this is something you're going to try when you're feeling overwhelmed in an argument, and let them know your plan to come back to the discussion. It is essential that they are informed of the plan so that in the moment it doesn't feel like you're just "walking away"- they know why you're leaving and that you plan to come back.
Sarah Nobel has a Master of Science in Couple and Family Therapy, and a BA in Psychology with a minor in Social Justice and Peace Studies. Sarah is a practitioner of Zen meditation, and these philosophies and values inform the way she thinks about and works with problems in her own life and in her work with clients.